Little Johnny

[SamIAM™]

Which One Is Married?

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None." replied Johnny,"'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

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Don't Step On Them

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or should I?"

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The Wedgie ...

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"




I love Little Johnny, who's got more?

[SamIAM™]

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
* * "Why?" asks the father.
* * "The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
* * "But that's right!"
* * "Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
* * "What's the fuXXing difference?" asks the father.
* * "That's what I said!"
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
* * "No," said his mom, "of course not."
* * Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

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One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
* * "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
* * "Excellent, Michael!"
* * Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just #$&#*&^# beautiful!

=======================

"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
* *"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
* *"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
* *His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?"
* *"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

===========================
Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch...'"
* *"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords."
* *"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
* *Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "


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* *Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
* *Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
* *"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
* *"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F--K OFF!", the dog ate him!"

====================

lool

[SamIAM™]

The teacher says, "Today we're going to use the word fascinate in a sentence. Who wants to go first?" Several hands go up, including Little Johnny. He has a dirty mouth so she doesn't want to call him.
She calls on Suzie, who says "I went to the zoo yesterday and was fascinated by the lions."
The teacher says "Good, Suzie, but I want the word fascinate" and calls on Billy.
Billy says "I think a football game is fascinating."
The teacher says "Good Billy, but I want the word fascinate." By now, only Little Johnny's hand is up, so she has to call on him.
Johnny says, "My sister got a new sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fascinate." *


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little johnny walks into his mothers room and hears the word SHIT! johnny askes "What does that mean?"
his mother says " oh that means putting on makeup"
little johnny walkes into his two brothers room, they were fighting and calling each other dicks and pussys
johnny askes "what does that mean"
and they said "it means hats and coats"

little johnney walks into the kitchen and he hears the word ****!
johnny askes his dad "what does that mean" his dad says it means"stuffing the turkey"
then there was a knock on the door. johnny opens it . his aunt and uncle were there. johnny says to them " here let me take your dicks and pussys, moms upstairs putting shit on her face and dad's in the kitchen ****ing the turkey!

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one day theres acouple of kids in a phycology class.then the teacher stands up and says to the class! stand up if u think you're stupid! after about 5 minutes little Johnny stood up and the teacher said do u think you're stupid little Johnny?
No miss i just hate to see u standing there all by yourself!!!
====================

[SamIAM™]

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your
brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and
tell me what you learn from that."

So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I
wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

Johnny then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh absolutely, I'd just love to
do that! I'd do it for free!"

Then he went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for
a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much
a million could buy?"

Johnny pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father
asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?

Little Johnny replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three
million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."


:lol:

[Corleone]

Cool topic!!!

[Emily]

those are soooooooooooooo long

[OLIVIA]

LMAO

I have a cousin named Johnny and these are all him.... :)

[Spoiledgal]

LOOL..these r funny!